Warning: Things get personal <3
The single most hardest thing i've ever done was getting pregnant.
Our journey to Baby Miller took us 3 years and an emotional/physical struggle I've never had before. Granted, I am still young and have a long life a head of me, so time will tell.
Before Camron and I moved to the Tri-Cities we tried for a good 5 months to conceive. This was before I was diagnosed with anything, working horrible night hours as front desk at a hotel, and Camron's work was slowing down and our income dwindling smaller and smaller. I would go months with out a period that resulted in a lot of negative pregnancy tests. Everyone kept saying it was stress.
Over the years I've lost count how many times I was told "relax, it will happen when it happens. Enjoy it in the mean time!"
Those people, though they mean well, were lucky they didn't get a punch to the face.
We put the baby trying on hold during our move south while we settled into life away from everything we knew and into a city we knew nothing about.
We moved in June and that August I was diagnosed by my doctor with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). In simpler terms: A hormonal disorder causing enlarged ovaries with small cysts on the outer edges.
My body is insulin resistant, which through a domino effect means my hormones are no where near where they needed to be. I wasn't ovulating. I wasn't menstruating. I couldn't lose weight no matter what I tried and for how long.
Doctors:
Unfortunately, it took me 5 doctors to finally find someone who knew what to do, and he was a costly fertility specialist.
Before I got to him, I had 3 primaries think they know how to "kick start" my body to do what it was supposed to.
I was given medications that made me feel terrible, sick all the time, and changed NOTHING.
For 3 years I was a walking talking experiment to them. At least that's how it felt. Constantly told that this will fix that and see no result. I'd go in every other month to give them updates and every 4 months for ANOTHER vaginal ultrasound. One doctor would tell me "We don't see any cysts" and then another "Oh yeah you have quite a few cysts". One consistent thing was their confused face when I tell them it wasn't working, yes I was doing what they told me, no I have not menstruated.
During those 3 years I averaged 3-4 periods a year. When I would menstruate it could be 2-4 weeks long. I would have to stay home from work because they would be heavy and terrible.
What I Tried:
I still feel that my PCOS/Hormone problems started when I was working 10 pm -6 am shifts at a hotel for 8 months. I didn't know how hard it was on my body until I tried to swap back to sleeping at night and working days. I ate terrible. I hated my job. It didn't help that Camron was laid off for 6 months and I had to keep working there no matter what. Stress was my middle name.
It was while I was working there that my periods came less and less and I started gaining a lot of weight.
The first thing my doctors would talk about would be losing weight.
"Even 15lbs could help bring your period back!"
What these doctors didn't say was how hard it is to lose weight when you have PCOS.
Women already have a harder time than men losing weight. When you have PCOS it's almost like your body refuses to let go of the fat and it's incredibly discouraging for plus size women like me.
They talked like it was so easy to just lose the weight and I was being dumb for having not tried.
They loved to say "We will get you pregnant!"
They gave me diet pills. Pills that forced my period. Pills to help with my insulin resistance. Pills. Pills. Pills. For 3 Years till I finally had enough and asked for Ovulation meds and the answer I got was, "Oh, I can't give those to you, i'm not the doctor you need to see for that."
EXCUSE ME? Have I just been wasting my time here?!
Yes. Yes I was.
Along side diets, exercise, and medication I also tried homeopathic remedies, vitamin supplements, meditation, yoga, and anything else you can think of.
NOW THESE THINGS HONESTLY DO WORK FOR SOME WOMEN WITH PCOS.
I'm just saying it really didn't work for me.
What Worked:
Now, unless you have some amazing insurance, most fertility doctors/medicine is not covered and you have to pay out of pocket for EVERYTHING.
Camron and I both have HSA accounts where we saved up money for medical rainy days. At that time we had around $700 saved up and started a small Go-Fund me where I had a few amazing friends and family give me $205 to help us in case things got crazy.
My fertility doctor was surprisingly this old man who seemed to mop the floor with all the other doctors I've met. He was telling me things about PCOS and how getting me pregnant was going to go with such confidence and facts that Camron and I were surprised.
He looked at my ultrasounds and blood work WITH me and made me feel normal instead of this terrible infertile creature that I had started to feel like. He understood that it's expensive to see him ($75 a visit) and after our first visit everything was done via phone calls.
Here's what he had me do:
- To restart my ovaries and give them a rest. I was to take birth control for 2 months
- Which none of my other doctors thought to try. The fertility doctor actually emphasized how important it is for women with PCOS to be on birth control. How it helps stop our bodies from creating more cysts and how with out it we are actually doing quite a bit of damage to them
- After the 2 months I was to start my ovulation medicine : Femara (Letrozole).
- I took the medication for 5 days
- Pee'd on an ovulation test strip daily
- If no ovulation then I'd have 3 more tries with Femara before moving on to more in depth options
Five days on Femara was quite a ride. If you get them prescribed to you, see if you can take them at night.
It essentially makes your body thing you have NO estrogen and floods your system with it.
For me it was like I was high or waking up from anesthesia. Just very out of body and giggly. Followed by a hard dizzy crash a few hours later. Rough when you are at work and trying to contain not really knowing if you are really awake or not hahaha
I cried when I saw that first darker line on the test. A flood of relief for both Camron and I that my body COULD get pregnant. That It was possible and I wasn't broken. It's a sad thing to say, but I honestly felt that way. That I was broken. Unfortunately alot of women struggling with Infertility feel the same and it's not fair.
A thing I want to note is to NOT panic if that line doesn't show up on the day your "supposed" to be ovulating. After talking to many other women with PCOS on online mom/pregnancy boards is we ovulate late. It was roughly day 22 for me when the line got dark.
I'm not sure what helped me get pregnant other than the ovulation meds, but here was our baby making coctail:
- Preseed Lube
- Wondfo Ovulation Test Strips
- And lots of sex before and during the ovulation window
That 2 week wait was both terrible and rewarding. I found out at EXACTLY 2 weeks. I'm not afraid to admit that I took a pregnancy test both morning and afternoon because I just couldn't wait XD
I'm honestly very lucky to be with a man who understood what was going on, listened to every complaint I had, and let me vent to him about anything. Camron is truly my best friend and I couldn't love him more.
He helped support me during college, body and mood changes, as well as this crazy adventure to pregnancy. He wanted that baby as much as I did. And reassured me the whole time that he knew I was doing my best and was willing to go as far as I wanted to get our baby. Whether it was from my body or not.
He and I are both very excited to welcome our first child April 2nd, 2018
If you are going through this struggle, don't give up hope
My love goes out to all those out there still fighting the good fight. Keep talking to those who are willing to listen. And take care of yourself.
